i wanna be like a tree

Yesterday was my first day in Oz! It wasn’t a truly horrible day, but here’s what I thought.

“My heart is so sad.

How to explain. I didn’t feel this a single bit when I was enjoying my time in Singapore. But now there’s a monster within me trying to rip me apart. It feels like I am bleeding from deeeep within. Tearing me apart. I see my family and I tear, I see pictures of Chris and I tear, I see pictures of church and I tear. Gah I don’t wna tear but I do. It is like, my life, is changed.

I feel so utterly alone. Feel like crying my heart out but no I can’t because my dad and mum are here sleeping behind me. But they will leave in a week, and I will be ALL ALONE. Feel so utterly lost because I don’t know the place at all, feel so utterly unprepared because I could have packed more things but I didn’t and everything is so ultra expensive.

Isaiah told me at the dinner “don’t look back”. So hard not to look back. So so so so so so so so so so so difficult.

GOD!!! I know you sent me here for a reason. I accepted it. I am not brave but my heart, a vacancy. God, show up in my life, show me I can do this. That alone I can stand and still praise You, my Creator. I realize that God, man this journey, it started and I am feeling so lonely, God help help help.

This isn’t me. Tomorrow will be a better day. It is a day that the Lord hath made I will rejoice and be glad in it. It will be a life changing four years. Amen.”

K I decided to post it up after a long deliberation because I think I’m losing a battle. I keep wanting to cry as though something inside me is attacking me. Everything’s pretty fine, we have enough to buy things, I am able to cook, I love to clean my room floor till it’s spic and span and dust free, my mum and dad are helping me out so so much with carrying, shopping, deciding what to buy, stocking up, paying for everything.. But still I keep keep looking back. I think I can kind of comprehend what Lot’s wife was thinking? Though she was after the pleasure and temptations of S&G and I am looking back at the comforts of home and the comfort of just being comfortable in my comfort zone, but it is kind of the same feeling? Like I wish for anything that I can just return back home, text people (I am out of touch with my phone for 2 days!!! No internet, no sms, no wifi connection, nothing!! :( ), lie in my bed with my bolster, slack, read a book, go out and travel for cheap prices (nothing in Singapore can be compared to here…travelling is about twice the cost T_T), buy cheap and nice snacks at mama shops..

OK. That’s enough. I gotta stop complaining. Or else I will never end and I will become a pillar of salt.

I was walking back with mum and E. It was clear evening, the street was pretty dark. We were saying, how come they save on electricity and don’t build street lamps? Then I looked up, and I saw stars. Two thoughts: Count your blessings. We look at the same stars in the sky. Really have to count my blessings, if my mum and dad weren’t here I won’t know how to survive. Thank God so so much for them. Their sacrifices, their love, their care, their preparation for me, their lifting my burdens..everything they are doing now is because they love me. :’(

Haha to the second one, I’m being an old romantic but true la. Don’t have to have a crush to say that. My family, my friends, we all look at the same sky, the same stars. We have each other in our hearts. Thank God for that.

Forgive me if this was just so emo and sad. I am just reeling in my emotions, I know God will pull me through. I can’t wait to just cling on Him and His promises and His will. Cus’ nothing else can pull me through! But I miss you all back home. May God keep watch over all you as He does me. You are in my prayers!