i wanna be like a tree

You’ll never disappoint God, because God’s love does not rise or fall according to your successes and failures. If He can be disappointed with you..then Jesus will never die on the cross for you.

Like what the title says, I fell asleep before being able to post this up. Just imagine you’re reading it from yesterday.

It was enjoyable, tonight’s cell.

That post I posted, I wrote it before cell but I didn’t manage to post it up. At cell, we sang “Take me Deeper”, which is so apt to what I am feeling. Before singing, the worship leader quoted Isaiah 40:30. Not only that, during discussion, my leader talked about generous faith. As we progressed, she talked about focusing on the Giver and not the gift. 

Then the most funny thing was, both the cell leaders of my cell happened to be standing near to me today and they both asked me “How are you today?” Hmm what?? And they seem genuine in wanting to know, and they both know that I was feeling quite tired.

Too many, just too many coincidences to make me doubt God.

If your life is too smooth, you would not need God. -YM

But the final question is still unanswered: to go or not to go for mission trip.

The context is that my cell is planning to go to Philippines at the end of this year after school ends for about 9 days for a mission trip. I’ve been to Philippines once and it was really fun. Mission trip with a bunch of God-loving people mostly of my age is appealing. Actually, I’m the only person from my batch who is not going! I just realized! :/

I know that back at home, I would be so excited to go. It is such an extremely odd feeling, because despite the opportunity of going for a mission properly plus the knowledge that we are to keep the Great Commission..my heart is so unprepared to commit. It is such an odd feeling that I keep looking at myself and thinking “Is something wrong? Why is your heart cold?” One of the leaders of the mission, QZ, talked to me today and she said that maybe, God is doing in me something else at this season of my life and thus my heart is not leaping at this opportunity to serve. My cell leader J also talked to me coincidentally and he told me to keep seeking God in prayer, for He will reveal His purpose and plan for me. Btw I feel that he is almost as wise as Solomon! The experiences and faith he has, the wisdom that comes out from his mouth, the advice he gives..thumbs up.

I have two thoughts in my head. 1) Step out in faith and 2) What is your heart condition?

I look to you, I look to you, after all my strength is gone, in You I can be strong.

I’ve been feeling all sorts lately. I think its the stress of impending exams and assignments creeping up onto me. It is also the longing for home and home-cooked meals (feeling hungry perpetually when I’m cold and sleepy is not a good feeling! lol). But more so it is also a wish for someone to look me in the eye and ask “How’re you doing lately? Is there something bothering you?” I guess there’s always that hunger for spiritual conversations. I thank God because I stay with a Christian housemate whom I can talk to about God and about our walks with Jesus. She gives me encouragement and pretty good support, which I’m grateful. But sometimes, I also wish for a mentor, someone who scolds me (hope you don’t think I’m weird), who sees the potential traps ahead of my paths, who understands my flaws, who would advice me as well as nudge me on. Someone like Paul who guides Timothy, like Jesus who guides His disciples. I don’t know whether I should be feeling this way. More likely than not I think I’m wrong, and I should not desire so much. Some of you may be reading and thinking that I must be mad, a mentor is like your discipline master and you always get arrowed by your mentor (hahaha :P), why would I want one? I don’t have a clue about why I think some particular way sometimes and try as I will to reflect and pray, sometimes I wish things were not so ambiguous to me, and that I do not always have to try to figure things out. In my head I also know that the answers can be found in the Bible, or from a revelation of God, from the still small voice of the Holy Spirit. It’s not that I do not experience these things as well. I don’t know. I just yearn to be pushed by someone, for someone to figure out my highs and lows. More so, I wish for someone to teach me more and more about God. I yearn to understand His character and His ways.

Okay but that doesn’t I will give up in reading the Word or prayer time. I have to admit, some of the best times I’ve had with God comes from time alone with Him. I love to be alone too, to take a walk by myself and just talk to Him in my head. Walks in the park, walks under the stars, walks around my university..I can’t get enough of it. Haha I am most probably an introvert! :P Well, I know that in these solitary strolls I do not walk alone. Hopefully under the shadow of the Almighty.

Shall end of with this picture taken from my balcony. At first glance, it’s all dark and black. But when I zoom in, I start seeing little white dots. Many little white dots all over this black patch.

These are the stars that God made, and oh how beautiful they are. As awe striking they make me feel, how much more is the Creator of them all awesome? The focus on the Giver and not the gifts.

Thank You God.

Here I am at Your feet crying out to You

Draw me near, Hold me close, Lord, I wait on You

For You're my greatest love

You're my comforter and strength

You're the First, You're the Last, You're my guiding light
    
I will run, I will soar on eagle's wings

As I wait on You Lord, my strength is restored

Fix my eyes on You, Jesus,
          
As I run this race

Help me fight this Fight of Faith

-Jocelyn Ong

Live to the fullest everyday, because time passes very fast. Don’t look back and ask yourself what happened, where did the time go? Every day has its beauty, slow down and enjoy it. You’ll find that you will enjoy life more.

Desires are not necessarily bad! When you pray, don’t ask God to take away your desires because you think they are bad. God made us to have desires from our hearts! Know that he knows every desire in our hearts. If we pray for God to take away our desires and they diminish, our hearts will become so dry and empty. But instead, when you have desires, pray to God that they would not consume you. Pray that you will not place more importance on the desires than on obeying God and waiting for His timing.

Paraphrased from my best friend! I love talking to you! :)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Therefore, I can love through Christ who strengthens me.

There are times I feel utterly alone. Yup I do; these instances are rare (thank God) but tumultuous all the same. Tonight was one such night. It was a point of time where I was just doing so much; feeling so much; basically overwhelmed; felt like I was without support; confused; wondering whether I was doing the right things; trying to help everyone while feeling stressed at the same time; and worrying whether my Maker was happy with my efforts which needed so much strength to muster up that I wonder where the strength comes from. The last is probably the most important.

The incident was that I was basically editing a report for an assignment of two of my friends. I had to do the same report for the module too. The report had high weightage for the module we were taking. These two friends of mine, they were in pretty bad shape. One failed her a must-pass-exam-to-pass-the-course exam; the other just had pretty bad English. The latter came to me to ask for help and advice; I cannot just 见死不救! I had to help.

Of course there were thoughts running through my head: Is it even right to help? Why should I help if it is not my responsibility? I have so much on my plate, can I even manage myself, much less other people?

But it is really akin to walking by the wounded man across the street and ignoring him. I have been feeling it a long time that God placed me in this course to help these friends. To learn to pour myself out for Him like perfume from a alabaster jar. To be a blessing. To pour out His love onto people who desperately needs it.

I have failed at this at times, I have to admit. I recognize the failures; just last week my eyes failed to see a hurting friend. This week, a second hurting friend passed my eyes without my notice. I felt like such a failure when I learnt from the third friend about these two friends.

After the two incidents, I set out in my heart that I was going all out to help out and to love. For the right motivations; not because I wanted them to feel indebted to me or appreciative of me..but really more than anything to glorify my Maker and to be His hands and feet.

So I agreed to help this third friend on their report. Upon agreeing..my inner heart sank so deep. It was a terrible feeling, I can’t even identify why it came or where it came from. It was the “I am so exhausted” feeling coupled with so many thoughts of whether God will shine through, whether they will see Jesus through this, worrying with more and more worries over a thousand and one circular thoughts.

I need You more, more than yesterday, I need You more, more than words can say, I need You more, than ever before, I need You Lord.

I was desperately trying to find a foothold and stability in my inner thoughts, and I told my mum. My mum kinda disagreed that I should do it, and I felt even more alone. But then my mum prayed for me..and peace just flooded over my soul. I was just overwhelmed and cried out. It was not a prayer of affirmation, but it was just..love. God loves. God provides strength. He wouldn’t let me be overwhelmed. He will let me see things the way He does. He will give me wisdom. And..I felt in my heart that I was doing the right thing, even though in the worldly sense..I was utterly foolish. Foolish to help someone with their report entirely without question. I probably will think I am foolish if I stood outside my shoes and looked at myself.

But when I see God’s grace, mercy and blessings..I am overwhelmed with gratitude. And I feel so burdened over those who struggles without the hope found in God. This deepens my conviction that I must give what I can give, because my God provides.

In You I find my dwelling place, In You I find amazing grace, In You I find security, Jesus you are all I need!

What to say? Hallelujah. In all circumstances, thank You Jesus for loving me and being my strength. Thank you for being “the God of hope that fills me with joy and peace as I trust in You, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 rephrased.

I surrender all to You, I surrender all to You. I am nothing without You, Jesus Christ, take my life, it’s all for You.

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountains high or valleys low
I sing out to remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me

Staying desperate for You God
Staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
All my days
I am Yours

-Brian Johnson